In the Midst of My Sorrows

As baby stuff lay all around our apartment, we try to gather the information we were given. “Your baby has no heartbeat.” “I’m so sorry for your lost”

I’m confused, heartbroken, in denial, all the while anger ensues. Why would God do this to me again? Why is this my reality? I’m a good person? I try my hardest to do what’s right, obey God’s commands and despite that I have struggled the last four years financially, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Why am I here? Why does he take my babies and my loved ones? Why not just take me? Why is this happening?! Is this because we’ve been stressed and struggling to make ends meet. Is it because we’ve been having to ration our food because of funds and government assistance was cut to unrealistic levels? Is it something I did wrong? Was it because day after day I suffered silently from wondering how bills would be paid? The struggle continues yet my baby had to suffer the consequences of temporary setbacks.

I’m angered by the world around me, angered by the people around me, angry about the conversations I recently had with my mom. Angry that I feel like I’m not doing enough, I’m not enough.

For the second time ever I have seen my husband cry. Grieving child we dreamed of. This was supposed to be his junior. This baby was to have his namesake to carry into the world. This is are. This is sickening.

The last three weeks I continued to do what was asked of me because I was told my baby was small. I ate the protein, I drunk the water, but it got me a baby that didn’t get to be born into the world. This is the third baby we’ve had that we did not get to experience firsts with! We were anticipating the third chance we were given by God to make great parents. It’s been a dream of mine to be a mother, it’s been a heart posture to love a child and raise them up to be a leader of their generation. Will this continue? Will I forever lose my children. I can’t help but think about Job. His questions similar to mine. Stuck and confused questioning a God that doesn’t have to answer me. A God that doesn’t owe me a response. The creator of the universe. Yet I beg of him to change his mind once again. Please let the humans be wrong, please void what they said, please let this be a joke. There’s no way to know why this is happening. There’s no possible way for me to plead my case as Job did and talk with God face to face.